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  1. "Sir, have you been drinking?" "No, but my car is hammered." Have you ever had those nights where you just couldn't sleep? You know, when you're tired out of your mind after working since before sunrise, buy for some reason, just can't get to sleep? Well, I was laying awake on my bed one night trying everything I could think of to get to sleep; I tried everything from attempting to count the number of ammunition boxes on the shelf in the corner of my room to running around in circles on the roof of my neighbor's house. Nothing was working. I tried to think of more ways to get to sleep when a question rolled over my mind: can I substitute the gasoline in an automobile for moonshine? Would it work? The question lingered in my mind for hours... I simply had to know... I climbed out of bed and walked across the street, where I stole my neighbor's car walked into my driveway and moved my car out of direct sight. I then set out for the moonshine still in my back yard... which I definitely don't have. Would it work? I drained the gas tank and poured in about seven gallons of moonshine in its place. After this was done, I started the engine. The results were interesting... Note the superior combustion vs normal gasoline. Anyway, I fell asleep soon after. I guess my soul was satisfied with this experiment. Unfortunately, it was revealed the next day that someone in a neighboring county was struck by a flying steering wheel. I wonder where that could've come from... Anyway, thanks for reading. [Notice: this is a joke post]