Leonbrony17

EQUESTRIA part 1: Sweet dreams

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It's a clear Night. The young filly Twilight Sparkle lies in her bed. The human Arolius sitting on the edge of her bed.

 

Filly Twilight: It's a beautyful night, isn't it?

 

Arolius: I know. A beautyful night for my beautyful little filly.

 

Twilight looks out of the window.

 

Filly Twilight: Look Arolius! We got a full moon tonight. And that horse symbol on the surface. It's sooooo beautyful.

 

Arolius looks out of the window too.

 

Arolius: I know, right. But that horse on the moon, it wasn't always there.

 

Twilight get's curious and exited. She looks at Arolius.

 

Filly Twilight: Uhhhhhh??? Uhh! Uhh! Good night, good night story! Please, please, pweaaaase!!!

 

Twilight looks at him with big eyes.

 

Arolius: Okay, okay Twilight calm down, calm down. Ahhhh. It seems you already know that there's a story behind that horse in the moon, don't you?

 

Filly Twilight: It is princess luna right? She is the princess of the night and...

 

 

 

Arolius: Whoaaa, whoa, Twilight, slowly! You're very smart. Smarter than many other little unicorns in your age. But please. Let me tell you the story, okay. You are the one who's supposed to sleep right now, not me.

 

Filly Twilight: Ohh. Yes Arolius. I'm quit now.

 

Arolius stands up and goes to the bookshelf near her bed. He reaches for a big book, then he sits down again on the same edge of Twilight's bed. He opens the book on the first page and starts to read.

 

Arolius: We live in a beautyful world. A world filled with magic and miracles.

But we also live in a world full of legends and mysteries.

 

He interrupts reading for a moment.

 

Let me tell you this story. I'm sure you'll like it.

 

Then he start's reading again.

 

1000 years ago. The balance and peace of our world was held by two alicorn sisters.  The elder one. The godness of light. She made the day, raised the sun and watched above all of us all day. She was Celestia. And then, there was the younger one. The godness of the darkness. She made the night, raised the moon and watched above all of us all night. Her name was Luna.

It was a time of peace and harmony. The ponies lived in harmony in a world ruled by our two great sisters. Everything seemed to be perfect...

 

Until one night changed everything forever.

 

Celestia was praised for her beauty, her kindness, her appeareance. She got praised and beloved by every pony all day. She got soo much love that everyone only saw her and not her younger sister Luna. While Celestia was praised for everything, Luna was alone. No one praised her or her beautyful night because everyone slept at night. Without love, without kindness and without company she grew sad over the years. Her sadness turned into anger. Anger that grew so big, that it turned Luna into something different. Something evil. She turned into Nightmare Moon.

 

With all her power she turned our world into a place of darkness.  A world that shall never see the daylight again.

 

Her sister alone couldn't stop the mighty Nightmare Moon. Even with all of her power she failed to defeat her.

 

As all hope seemed to be lost, Celestia had no other choice. She made use of a power, soo strong and bright, that not even Nightmare Moon could stand against it. The 6 elements of harmony. Celestia united the power of the 6 elements, knowing it would be the only way to bring peace back into our world and shot a glowing lightbeam at her sister that would banish her to the moon. Knowing that it would be her end, she made a promise, to Celestia and to the whole world. In 1000 years she will return and with her, eternal darkness.

 

Arolius closes the book and looks at Twilight.

 

Filly Twilight: Wooooooooooooooooow! I love this story! I've got so many questions. What if...

 

Arolius interrupts her.

 

Arolius: Twilight. Twilight! You're supposed to sleep now. Tomorrow is your great day. I'm sure you'll get the answers of your questions later.

 

Filly Twilight: What if she really returns? You said it happened 1000 years ago right? So that means that...

 

Arolius: Twilight. It's just a legend. Nobody can proof that it really happened.

 

Filly Twilight: But, but...

 

Arolius stands up and puts the book back where he took it from.

 

Arolius: If she comes back, she only comes only back to give you sweet dreams my smart little unicorn.

 

Filly twilight: Ohhhhhhh. Thank you for telling me this awesome story, Arolius.

 

Arolius fondles over Twilights mane.

 

Arolius: Good night, Twilight.

 

Filly Twilight: Good night. Arolius.

 

Arolius turns out the lights and leaves Twilights room. Twilight cuddles herself in her pillow and falls asleep. Arolius goes in his own room and lays down on his bed. He looks out of the window at the moon and speaks.

 

Arolius: Ahhhhhhhh. It's just a legend, Arolius.

 

Arolius: It's just a legend.

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Beautyful  --> Beautiful

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

get's

Gets

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

Filly Twilight: It is princess luna right? She is the princess of the night and...

 

 

 

Arolius: Whoaaa, whoa, Twilight, slowly! You're very smart. Smarter than many other little unicorns in your age. But please. Let me tell you the story, okay. You are the one who's supposed to sleep right now, not me.

This space in between the paragraphs is a weird break in formatting. It could be used to express that a scene is changing, but in this case it seems like it's there by mistake. I'd remove it.

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

I'm quit now

It's a strange way of speaking. If it's not intentional, "I'll quit now' sounds better. Or "I'll stop now".

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

Arolius: We live in a beautyful world. A world filled with magic and miracles.

But we also live in a world full of legends and mysteries.

Should be in the same line, since there isn't an empty one between them. In the way this is formatted, it looks like descriptive text, not dialogue.

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

But we also live in a world full of legends and mysteries.

 

He interrupts reading for a moment.

Like this, when the text is clearly transitioning form one perspective to the other. It needs to be one or the other.

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

1000 years ago. The balance and peace of our world was held by two alicorn sisters.  The elder one. The godness of light. She made the day, raised the sun and watched above all of us all day. She was Celestia. And then, there was the younger one. The godness of the darkness. She made the night, raised the moon and watched above all of us all night. Her name was Luna.

It was a time of peace and harmony. The ponies lived in harmony in a world ruled by our two great sisters. Everything seemed to be perfect...

Another example of the same. It would look much better on the eyes with a constant and predictable formatting from paragraph to paragraph.

There is nothing wrong with this, but small sentences like these could be on the same phrase to better connect the ideas.

"1000 years ago the balance and peace of our world was held by two alicorn sisters. The elder one, the godness of light, made the day, raised the sun and watched above all of us all day. She was Celestia. And the, there was the younger one, the godness of the darkness. She made the night, raised the moon and watched over all of us all night. Her name was Luna."

"It was a time of peace and harmony, the lived in harmony in a world ruled by out two great sisters. Everything seemed to be perfect..."

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

A world that shall never see the daylight again.

Should. Or would.

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

elements of harmony.

Should be capitalized.

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

Arolius turns out the lights and leaves Twilights room.

Twilight's

 

This is a stylistic choice, but I will always incentive people to write descriptive prose. For example:

On 8/11/2017 at 6:43 PM, Leonbrony17 said:

Filly Twilight: Wooooooooooooooooow! I love this story! I've got so many questions. What if...

 

Arolius interrupts her.

 

Arolius: Twilight. Twilight! You're supposed to sleep now. Tomorrow is your great day. I'm sure you'll get the answers of your questions later.

Could be...

"I love this story!" Little filly Twilight wowed full of excitement and starry eyes. "I love this story! I've got so many questions! What if..."

She jumped up and down in her bed throwing her mane all over herself but Arolious patiently rose a hand and interrupted her.

"Twilight." He smiled at her. "Twilight! You're supposed to sleep now. Tomorrow is your great day and I'm sure you'll get the answers you want later."

 

Overall it is a cute start to any story and a cute Twilight filly will hook anyone that has a heart.

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@Metemponychosis Wow, so much constructive criticism.

 

Thank you.

 

I definitly agree that there are some dialogue changes and typo fixes needed. It's all a bit rough around the edges.

 

I'll do that in time.

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